Ark Valley News - Hope and hilarity

Hope and hilarity
By Chuck Terrill
Last Updated: August 22, 2013

Top 10 rules for husbands

I'll call her "Mallory." Three times in her email she called me the north end of a southbound Mule. That's how I know she didn't like my article last week.

She thought I was being serious, but I was attempting to write satire. I assure you, I don't write to offend people. I do, however, want people to think.

Just to be fair, I will offer some rules for married men:

These are written from a woman's perspective. They are all numbered "1" because they are equally important.

1. Learn to work a toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

1. We don't want a toaster for our birthday or anniversary! If that is the best you can do, just forget it.

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to listen to us.

1. Sunday afternoons are not made for sports.

1. Shopping is a sport, even if you never think of it that way.

1. If we ask you about our clothing, and you say it is "OK," we will probably change clothes.

1. Communicate! Tell us what you want! Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

1. You can remember birthdays and anniversaries if you want to. Even so, I promise to remind you.

1. I have multiple pairs of shoes so I will never look as ridiculous as you do in swim trunks and cowboy boots. Please buy some shoes.

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question, but we would also like to know "why?"

1. If you come to us with a problem we will help you solve it. That's what we do.

1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you pout or sulk, you probably heard us correctly.

1. If you have a good idea about how to do something, we would like to know it. If it is a good idea, no one is better qualified to get it done than you.

1. You are not Christopher Columbus! For heaven's sake, ask for directions!

1. Just so you know, Mauve is a pale lavender-like color, one of many in the range of purple. Mauve is named after the mallow flower. There are a lot of interesting things you can learn.

1. If it itches, do not scratch it in public, not even on the baseball field! You are a man, not a monkey.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong, and you say "nothing," we will know better. You might as well tell us and get it over with.

Oh, I guess there are more than 10 rules. Call the rule that has been violated No. 1 and count down from there. Repeat as necessary.

Chuck Terrill is pastor of Valley Center Christian Church. He can be reached at chuck@ valleycenterchristianchurch.org or 755-1233.